The Kurt Kaoss Report...
Posted by: Kurt Kaoss on 11/07/2004

Greetings all, from "Michigan's Largest Cruiserweight."

It has come to my attention that a certain individual, has decided to write a running commentary, if you will. Now, I'm no Jim Ross (thankfully), but this person was at one time a poster on HTM's message boards, and was banned for his lack of sensibility, and saw fit to get under my skin at every turn. So, we will dissect these "Pearls of Wisdom", and give my translation of it all:

Yo,

"This is JaHood's first commentary, bitches. I will spit about wrestling but other shit as well. I'll discuss politics, fat people, cab drivers, and untrained indy wrestlers who draw a crowd of 6 people. I won't hold back. Unlike wrestling, JaHood is real. I ain't no gimick."

So, this know it all thinks wrestling is fake? So much for him and his training. Sounds like he fell asleep under a bullshit tree.

"In every column I want to start with something that I like to call "Fat Fuck of the Week." This week's "Fat Fuck" is Kurt Gayoss. Gayoss is not only fat but he drives a cab. He is also a racist. He has no respect for anybody who is not white or a right wing nutcase who "supports our camel humping troops." I'm sorry Kurt but I'm not a fan of people who kill 12,000 innocent poor people. I am especially not a fan of people who lock up poor people and take naked pictures of them and sexually harrass them for Bush's jerk off tapes. So here' to Gayoss you pathetic piece of shit. Go fuck yourself!!! "

Damn. I guess he told me. I especially like the "right wing" comment. I support our troops, no matter what. Sounds like JaHood's been playing "Rump Ranger" with Michael Moore.


"Speaking of fucking oneself, that brings us to our quote of the week: "Go fuck yourself" by Dick Cheney. He's talking to you, Osama."

If Dick Cheney ever said that in public, he'd be chastised till the 12th of never. Must have found that ditty in Mad magizine.


"Before I get into wrestling talk I would like to give a brief review of the movie Spiderman 2. This had to be the sissiest fucking movie I have ever seen. This is up there with Blue Crush as being one of the wimpiest movies of all time. Peter Parker is a sissy fucking "superhero" whose girlfriend has the saggiest tits I have ever seen in my lifetime. "

Don't let him fool you........he slept in line for 3 days, waiting on tickets. Popcorn in one hand, jerk off towel in the other.


"Now on to wrestling. . . ."

It's about time, seeing as though this is a wrestling website.


"I've decided to give some advice to professional wrestling promoters around the world. Listen to this and pro wrestling will make a big comeback in the mainstream media."

Yeah...listen to a Jr. High school kid - he's got all the answers.


"1. Stop the gay shit!!! These days wrestling fans are known as gay tight spandex men feeling each other up. That's fine is you live in San Francisco but if you are a straight guy you don't want it to appear that way. We don't want to be ashamed to be fans of pro wrestling. What kind of crowd is the wrestling world going for? Closet Cases?"

I guess you wouldn't remember guys like Gorgeous George, Adrian Adonus, or Adrian Street. They started the revolution, and it got them over.


"2. More agression in matches. It doesn't matter how many steroids you take. If you give someone a lame slow forearm to the back or a sissy clothesline you won't look tough. A chubby out of shape weakling who puts some energy and emotion into the "little things" will look far more believable then say . . . Scott Steiner!"

But, according to you, wrestling is fake. Did you not say that, you hypocrite?

"3. No more promos where you talk slowly and try to get your "idea" across. You're a fucking fighter!!! Freak the fuck out!!! The fans will eat it all up."

Since the days of televised wrestling, promos help get a storyline across, and keeps the fans interested with the storyline, or at least try to. You should have stayed with your training a little longer.

"4. No more Irish whips. The idea that with a little push on someone's back you can get them running and then they will hit the ropes around the ring and turn ever so slighly to one side and bounce off is completely ludicrous. If someone tries to push me a little bit on the back I'm going to punch him in the face. I'm not going anywhere and neither would a real fighter."

Again, this is a "fake sport". What do you care what they do? I think you need to tell your mom it's medication time.....


"5. No more "establishments", "hope spots", "or comebacks". These things are why almost every match is the same. You want to get across as a heel or a face. Let the fucking fans decide. I'm tired of this fruity idea of "telling a story." How about telling a different story, a story where two people are fighting and the shit is absolutely crazy and you can't get enough of it."

Hey.....here's an idea: instead of watching wrestling, watch UFC. You describe exactally what happens there. Schmuck.

"People ask me how I can criticize the pro wrestling when I am not even in the game. Because I am the person buying the product. If you don't listen to me then you are fucked."

You criticize wrestling, because all you do is criticize. You have no friends, zero personality, and you probably have to tie a pork chop around your neck, just to get the family dog to even pay any attention to you. You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity........

"With that being said.

I'm out,
JaHood"

With that being said, you're a Douche Bag, a waste of space, and now the laughing stock of The Honky Tonk Man's message boards, courtesy of Kurt Kaoss, BITCH!!

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