WRESTLING’S RICHEST PRIZE?
Posted by: Krazy Loop on 02/12/2005

Fans, this was lifted from 1W. The opportunity to translate it is too good to pass up.

“TNA: FORMER ALLIES, NOW ENEMIES BATTLE FOR WRESTLING'S RICHEST PRIZE
By: Press Release
2/11/2005 7:22:05 PM”

“Nashville, TN (February 11, 2005) – There is one thing a young man who dedicates himself to a life of blood, sweat and tears in the professional wrestling business strives for: to be the World Heavyweight Champion. He dreams of being immortalized with the likes of Lou Thesz, Buddy Rogers, Dusty Rhodes & Harley Race in the legacy of the NWA World Heavyweight Championship. This Sunday, on Total Nonstop Action Wrestling “Against All Odds,” one man tries to cement himself in history and the other tries to continue his title reign against his toughest opponent to date.”

TRANSLATION: Fans, the fact is the WW”e” isn’t doing all that well these days. With that in mind, just how well is NWA-TNA doing? If the WW”e” has the “flu” lately in terms of its financial performance, then TNA has pneumonia. Nonetheless, when the WW”e” scratches its ass, TNA falls on its own ass. If you doubt this is the case, ask yourself how many WW”e” stars are champing at the bit for the chance to wrestle for TNA.

“Jeff Jarrett is the three-time and current NWA World Heavyweight Champion and the most dominant player in the history of TNA Wrestling.”

TRANSLATION: Jeff Jarrett is always going to be the most dominant player in the history of TNA as long as he is alive, AND as long as his daddy is still Jerry Jarrett.

“Three months ago, he brought Kevin Nash & Scott Hall into TNA to create an unstoppable force that would enable him to remain champion for a long, long time. “The Kings of Wrestling” were created to keep “The King of the Mountain” on this throne. But as the Champion found out, the opportunity to become a legend is more powerful than the bond of friendship.”

TRANSLATION: People will do very strange things do avoid finding honest work. For example, TNA even has its own version of a white Teddy Long, i.e., a washed up white boy former manager known as ‘The Mouth of The South.’

“Kevin Nash has been a World Champion and top star in every single company he has been a part of. He is one of the most notorious figures in the history of professional wrestling, and with stardom came untold amounts of power and money. Nash, along with Hall, came to TNA at Jarrett’s side, but Kevin Nash has never played second fiddle to any man. To become one of the greatest, to become a legend, Nash only needs one more piece of hardware, the most prestigious title in all of professional wrestling, the one around Jeff Jarrett’s waist.”

TRANSLATION: What Big Lazy needs most, besides another twelve pack, is the ability to stay on his feet and under his own power for the entire match. The fact that “Old Bird Legs” doesn’t collapse under his own weight is an engineering marvel in and of itself. Jesse Ventura said it best one time when he called a match as an announcer: ‘(T)hat guy need to sue those skinny legs for non-support.’

“This Sunday, these two men will step into the Six Sided Ring and battle for more than money or pride.”

TRANSLATION: The actual battle is the one to keep the company alive.

“Kevin Nash vs. Jeff Jarrett is about a place in history, a chance to become immortal.”

COMMENTARY: Naw, this can’t be. Every fan on earth knows the following four things and ONLY the following four things are wrestling gospel: 1. Lanny Poffo is “The Genius”; 2. Bischoff is an asshole; 3. The Honky Tonk Man is The Greatest Intercontinental Champion of All Time; and 4. only Hulk Hogan is immortal.

“Can Kevin Nash capture the one title to fulfill his legacy? Can Jeff Jarrett fight off yet another challenger to make claim to being one of the best of all time?”

TRANSLATION: Can these two stay out of the unemployment line one last time?

“Who is truly “The King of Wrestling?”

COMMENTARY: Not only has Double J stolen The HTM’s El Kabong, now he wants to steal Ole’ Kink’s gimmick as well. Are we to believe this is going to be a “child molestation steel cage match?” How low can Jeff go this time?

“This Sunday, February 13th the world will find out, only on pay-per-view.”

COMMENTARY: Why would it want to?

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