The Ross Report Returns
Posted by: Krazy Loop on 01/06/2004

GREETINGS FROM UNDER THE BLACK 200X RESISTOL HAT:
THE RETURN OF OLE’ JR

Fans, with this, the long awaited return of my highly vaunted ROSS REPORT and my reappearance on the internet, I have two things that I must say starting off: Happy New Year and Bischoff is an asshole.

There have been many exciting things happening in the WWV, the Wonderful World of Vince, since I stopped writing ROSS REPORTS. Let's get to some of them.

First on the list is Nature Grandpa, Rick "Medicare" Flair. The Match of the Year in my book was the Ancient Boy v/s HHH. Throughout the entire match Medicare Flair beat HHH from pillar to post, and from one corner of the ring to another. He had HHH on the run like a scalded Lawler. Medicare, long known as the dirtiest player in the game, slapped his patented figure four leg lock on HHH. Nonetheless, HHH still would not tap even when Medicare threatened to hit HHH with his social security card. Then all of a sudden, HHH caught Flair in a Pedigree to win the match. WHAT A SHOCK THAT WAS!!!! All I can say is, Ancient Boy, it's time to set that gold watch and find a good rocking chair.

None other than Vince himself took a direct hit in his wallet when the real WWF, The World Wildlife Fund, forced him to be a man of his word for the first time in his life. They took him to the cleaners when he appropriated their name and initials for his own purposes.

The fans often write me wonderful letters and emails, so I have decided to share some of them with everyone. I have also included my responses to the fans.

A fan from Memphis, Tennessee wrote, and I quote, "Dear JR, Does your World Famous Oklahoma Sooners Special Tits & Ass Barbeque Sauce cure pedophilia? If so, why haven't you hit Lawler over the head with a bottle or two?

My answer was: "This is a little known secret but I originally brewed the first batch of my Barbeque Sauce to cover up the smell I suffer with by having to sit night after night next to The Kink. Many times I heard my dear departed Grandpappy say, 'Boy, one day you will sit down wind of the smelliest varmint south of the Mason-Dixon Line. You will need strong potions to save your sinuses.' Some say my Grandpappy had the gift of seeing the future. Too bad he couldn’t foretell the final score when my beloved Sooners got their asses kicked by LSU."

A fan from California wrote, "Dear JR, Sir, is Bischoff really an asshole?"

My answer was: "Does the bear shit in the woods? Is Hulk Hogan cheap? Does Lawler hang around playgrounds on his days off? Of course, Bischoff is an asshole."

A fan from Florida wrote, "Dear JR, Is it true that your Barbeque Sauce almost saved the marriage of Stone Cold Steve Austin and Debra?"

My answer was: "Unfortunately, this time, no. The news media reported a vicious lie that Stone Cold punched Debra in the face leading to their divorce. The truth of the matter was that Stone Cold poured a gallon of my Barbeque Sauce on Debra and accidentally set her on fire!! The simple fact is that stuff is HIGHLY FLAMMABLE. I told Stone Cold many times that after opening a bottle it has to be poured into an open bowl for at least one hour to allow for some evaporation. If that doesn't happen everyone within 50 yards is danger of an explosion if an open flame is nearby. I actually told him to rub it on his head daily to promote a healthy scalp and hair growth, and for proper brain function, not to pour it on Debra. But, some wild ass Texas hillbillies just don't listen. Life ain’t all fatback, barbeques, and horseshoes, you know."

Another fan from Ohio wrote, "Dear JR, Is Bradshaw actually a secret government agent? What was the real reason he went to Iraq?"

My answer was: "Bradshaw was sent by none other than Vince himself, deep, deep, deep undercover on the WWV Mission To Iraq, and I don't mean searching through the Great Moolah's underwear either. Bradshaw was charged with the task of finding ‘Baghdad Bob,’ also known as the Iraqi Information Minister. He was supposed to bring him back alive to teach his personal methods of elocution, annunciation, and credibility to Linda McMahon, hopefully, this time BEFORE she gives the next WWV financial report to our stockholders and the SEC investigates us. For my money, that boy needs to wise up and stop blowing his own horn. That mission was bound to be a whole lot easier than turning our company around. Vince has been known to clean house time and time again, blaming his family’s failure on any of the hired help who are not his relatives and happen to be standing nearby at the time. Bradshaw already made the mistake of claiming to be a financial genius. Well, let me tell you something, there was only one Genius and Bradshaw ain't no Lanny Poffo. If Vince ever heard him claim economic wizardry and put him in the front office, his big ass would be toast the next time a 10K filing is due. Bradshaw would be squealing like a cuckolded Lawler at a grilling party with a bottle of my World Famous Oklahoma Sooners Special Tits & Ass Barbeque Sauce stuck in his ass tired, old ass.”

A fan from Florida wrote, "Dear JR, I was wondering, exactly what is 'resistol' anyway?"

My reply was: "Hardened Barbeque Sauce. As I have stated many times, my Barbeque Sauce is versatile and good for almost anything. Try some the next time your driveway needs repair or your roof needs patching."

A fan from Minnesota wrote, "Dear JR, I recently noticed a large growth on my left nut that seems to double in size every two weeks. Do you have any idea what it is or what I should do about it?"

I wrote back: "If could be almost anything but the more I think about it, this reminds me of a former WW"e" Diva we used to have around here. The name ‘Barbeque Sauce’ just didn't seem to fit her personality so as the head of talent relations I renamed her 'Chyna.' Not all that long ago she suffered from a curious, but hideous, parasitic growth on the back of her ass which upon close examination was identified as ‘Sean Waltman.’ The last I heard she finally managed to get rid of it. When I talked to her this past summer, I told her Bischoff is an asshole. She told me that, no, her problem was Sean Waltman, not Bischoff, although she could understand how one could be mistaken for the other. My advice to you is to call your doctor today to make sure something like that didn't already happen to you."

Another fan, this time from Oregon, asked another question about The Burger Kink. He wrote, "Dear JR, Rumor has it that you were instrumental in finally breaking the logjam between Ole' Kink and the little pussy herself, The Kat, for their divorce settlement. Can you tell us what happened?"

My answer was: "Yes, it is true, and yes I was. However, the real truth of the matter is that once again my Barbeque Sauce came through in the pinch and saved the day. What finally clinched things was when I offered on behalf of Ole' Kink to give The Kat something she could not get at any price at any time: a personally autographed full case of my Barbeque Sauce. Stacy later admitted to me that although she Dupped up by not shit canning The Kink sooner, receiving my Barbeque Sauce was the best thing that ever happened to her. Accepting that deal maker was a whole lot easier than sitting through thousands of hours of ‘Lawler KatKam home movies’ just to decide who got the video rights in case the all night porno-on-demand cable television channel ever gets off the ground."

A fan from Nebraska wrote, "Dear JR, Why did you stop writing ROSS REPORTS?"

I wrote back: "When WWV employees started posting Krazy Loop's Translations on the walls of Titan Towers and I finally read them, I came to my senses and realized that I am completely spineless and never wrote what was really on my mind. Now I let him write for me because the WWV can’t fire him."

Finally, a fan from Michigan wrote, "Dear JR, Why haven't you fired The Kink and hired The Honky Tonk Man to replace him for wrestling and announcing in the WWV? Exactly what are you waiting for, Goober Boy?"

My answer was: "Just like there is no substitute in race cars for cubic inches, my Barbeque Sauce is no substitute for having gonads."

Now it is time for Ole' JR to spotlight a few of our stars in this edition of my ROSS REPORT:

Victoria. Yum, yum, yum . . . . There isn't much I can see she does wrong in or out of the ring but I might advise her to get a few lessons from none other than Dawn Marie on how to shake that money maker. Oh, baby . . . .

Dead Ass Billy Gunn. Oh, yeah, this guy. What the hell is he doing here? Haven't we seen him flop before? How many times already? What moron decided to bring him back again?

The Undertaker. Fans, just in case any of you doubt my word, take a close look at the former "Texas Red." Notice how his hair glows during and after every match? Notice the fine color which never loses its shine or tint? Do you know why no one in the locker room calls him “Miss Clairol?” Just because he is big? Guess again. Try a bottle of my Barbeque Sauce today. Rub it on liberally as a crème rinse after every shower, and see for yourself what it can do for your hair and in turn for your love life. And as I think of it, Vince uses it, too. Why else would Sable take up with him?

Superstar Sean O'Haire. This man carried an entire angle with none other than the sorriest loser in the entire world of wrestling. At the end, Vince finally showed us all that he really is a genius when he did the planet a favor and killed off the burned out jobber once and for all. The Gimmick Man will never be the same again. On behalf of everyone, all I can say is: Sean O’Haire, you have performed a great service for the fans. You are now rightfully known as both a scholar and a gentleman. And there are indeed very few of us left these days.

Unfortunately, not everything went according to plan recently. Although I strenuously argued for the first ever WWV Bra and Jockstrap Steel Cage Match between Martha Stewart and Rosie O'Donnell at WrestleMania XX, we were not able to sign the performers. While I am still hopeful that the potential participants may come to terms with us, I must say that it does look doubtful at this point due to an upcoming engagement for Martha.

Well fans, once again it is time to sign off. Until next time . . . .

BOOMER SOONER!!
Naw, make that “GO LSU!!!!”

And fans, always remember: Bischoff is an asshole.

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