Worst WrestleMania Matches Ever
Posted by: Sean Carless on 03/11/2004

The WWE likes to call WrestleMania the "Showcase of the Immortals" citing that memories are indelibly etched in the annals of time, but despite the WWE's P.R., Wrestlemania has left it's share of bad memories and missed opportunities, as for every "Boyhood dream that finally came true", (My boyhood dream was to get laid, I don't know about you) there were matches that lowered the bar so much, that even Mini-Me couldn't limbo it.
So, with that said, and after watching Ric Flair host "Wrestlemania's Top 10 Greatest Matches", I thought I'd be remised if I didn't provide the complete opposite list and try to sort out the shittiest of the shitty and put them in chronological order.

Now, keep in mind, the following list is one man's opinion, and the criteria I used to determine who should grab the brass (turd) ring may not be what you would consider when compiling a list of your own.

My Criteria is the Following:

-If it fell significantly below it's hype. This is particularly the case with terrible Main-Events. Lesser matches can slide under the radar because of lack of importance. Main Events (or high-profile bouts) have no such luxury as the paying customer sees it as the "draw" and thus expects it to deliver.

-All squashes are disqualified from consideration because their intention is to pop the crowd, and not purposely offend them.

- Anything where you've had to pick up the remote and Fast Forward because of excessive slow movement or in some cases, flat out "Stinktitude" (TM. Edge and Christian)

OK then, on with the list!

10) Brutus Beefcake Vs. David Sammartino: WrestleMania 1; This was of course LONG before Brutus Beefcake began carrying around questionable duffle bags, and subsequently trying to relieve terrified people who feared Anthrax, that "It's OK, it's only cocaine!"

This match took place at the original Wrestlemania, and despite originally being advertised as a "tagteam match" it ended up just being Beefer and David, one on one. David of course is the son of the "Living Legend" Bruno Sammartino, and while I'd like to tell you that the "apple doesn't fall far from the tree", this tree in question must have been planted on a compost heap, because poor David stunk up the ring worse than a bag of broken assholes. In any event, the two battled to a double count out much to the apathy of the crowd.

Brutus would of course end up becoming a "Barber" in later years, while after his Father left the WWF, poor David's career went up in smoke faster than RVD's dressing room.

9) Hulk Hogan Vs. Andre The Giant: Wrestlemania 4; While the two drew the largest indoor attendance record in North American history the previous year, their big rematch in the Quarter Finals of a tournament to determine a new WWF Champion, hardly set the world on fire. Not that hold for hold it was much better, but, it just lacked the heat and historic significance of their Mania 3 effort.

At this point in his life, Andre was barely mobile and Hulk had to basically bounce off the big man, while rest hold after rest hold took place with interchangeable bear-hugs and chokes. After about ten horrendous minutes, both men struggled with a chair and were disqualified, eliminating both men from the Tournament in the process. This of course was to take Hogan out of the equation, so Randy Savage could have clear sailing to the belt, with Hulk's help of course, as Orange Juice makes his inevitable appearance and hands the belt to Macho under the guise that he was giving him the rub (Rub? Kind of like getting a hand-job with a coal miners glove) and of course shifts all the focus back onto himself.

8) Doink & Dink Vs, Bam Bam Bigelow & Luna Vachon: WrestleMania X; Crazy tattoos, midget clowns, and unattractive S & M dominatrixes? Is this Wrestlemania, or the Exotic Erotic Ball? And speaking of S & M, I personally would rather have hot wax dripped on my balls then have to sit through this match ever again.

This was the "blowoff" in the feud between Doink (who was no longer played by Matt Borne but Phil Apollo) and Bammer, after the two had feuded since the previous summer. Somewhere along the line the WWF decided that Doink would no longer have psychotic delusions, but would instead just be a regular run of the mill clown, and thus one of Wrestling's most ridiculous characters was birthed. The match itself I suppose was supposed to be "comedy" but it just dragged on...and on. Finally, (Thankfully) Bigelow crushed Doink with a flying headbutt and sent him off into obscurity.

7) Big Bossman Vs. Undertaker: Wrestlemania 15; This was a now forgotten Hell in a Cell match, but honestly, both men barely achieved "Heck in a Cell" this night.

The match barely utilized the structure, and if Al Snow and Bossman (see a pattern?) didn't participate in the Hell in a Kennel just six months later, I'd rate this as the worst cage match EVER. Undertaker of course won, but what is best remembered is the stupid visual of Big Bossman being hung with a noose from the Cell as it was hydraulically raised. To make matters worse, The Brood (Edge, Christian & Gangrel) descended from the roof "Vampire" style, but unfortunately they just really hung there like a drunken puppet show as Undertaker frustratingly waited for them to arrive. Pure Shit.

6) JYD Vs. Harley Race Wrestlemania 3; Before I get into this, I must say that Harley Race was one of the greatest workers in History, and certainly should not be blamed for this abomination. As for JYD, despite being super OVER, he was about 999 holds short of threatening Dean Malenko if you know what I mean.

Basically this match was A LOT of headbutting, but unfortunately it moved so slow, that I thought they'd both go back back in time. Anyway, Harley goes over after the matches one good maneuver, a textbook Belly to Belly, for the win.

5) Roddy Piper Vs. Mr. T.: WrestleMania 2; What's the only thing worse than a badly "worked" wrestling match? A badly worked "Boxing match" of course.

Mr. T was one of the most manufactured celebrities in history and by the time Wrestlemania 2 rolled around it was about 2 minutes past his original "15".

Somewhere along the line, someone, after watching Rocky 3 must have thought that Mr. T. had actual "Boxing skills" and thus decided that two should pretend to "box" for 10 rounds.

Let's just say, that despite the WWE's best intentions, the match ended up being as bad an idea as an after dinner drink with Lex Luger. Anyway, the match ends up in a disqualification when Piper bodyslams Mr. T, which is apparently illegal in boxing or something.

4) Andre The Giant Vs. Jake "The Snake" Roberts: Wrestlemania 5; This was the culmination of a feud between Andre & Jake over The Giant's apparent "phobia" of snakes. Although, if I could drink 300 beers in a row and not DIE, I don't think I'd be afraid of anything, just saying.

The late Big John Studd was the special referee, but that didn't make a difference in this one. Jake did try desperately to make something out of this match, but Andre was completely immobile. The match ultimately ends up in a Disqualification when Andre attacks Studd. This is what the word "Clusterfuck" was invented for.

3) The Kat Vs. Terri Runnels: Wrestlemania 16; I must admit I got hooked by the ominous "N" warning on the Viewer Discretion screen and actually hoped there would be some actually nudity here. However it was all for not, as Terri kept her plastic bulletproof fun-bags holstered, and The Kat despite exposing herself several months before, decided for some reason to keep things under wrap.

I'm only mentioning this one because it draws strong comparisons to this Sunday's "Playboy Evening Gown Match", in that although nudity is implied, all the fourteen year olds will be stuck holding their dick in one hand, and their finger on the "record" button with the other, in hopes that they can toast a load into their mottled pillows at the slightest hint of skin. I'll save you the time. It won't happen. You'll have to be happy with Internet porn like the rest of us....

2) Hulk Hogan Vs. Sid Justice: Wrestlemania 8; This was, in my opinion, the single WORST Main-Event in WrestleMania history for a number of reasons. One being that it ended in a cheap DQ, as Papa "Pimpin' ain't easy..but apparently Voodoo is" Shango ran in for a botched finish. And two: BECAUSE IT WAS HULK HOGAN VS. SID JUSTICE.

The whole match was just a setup for the return of The Ultimate Warrior as Hulk was off for a year to make movies so poorly acted, that even Torrie Spelling was heard saying "Man, this guy sucks". Sid Justice himself would soon depart as well, as the gentle lure of spring-time Softball was too tempting for even him to ignore. All in all, a terrible end to what was pretty much a decent show up to that point.

1) Undertaker Vs. Giant Gonzalez: WrestleMania 9; Undertaker may have the most prolific record in Wrestlemania history, but most of those eleven victories have been in some of the most mind numbingly bad abortions ever. Case in point: Giant Gonzalez; Gonzalez was 7'7", so of course Vince automatically hired him, after obviously never watching WCW where "El Gigante" produced matches so subpar, that an actual negative star rating system had to be created. On top of that, the company fitted the unsculpted physique of Gonzalez in a full length bodysuit with air brushed Muscles (Hey maybe Hunter should wear one of those now).

In any event, despite Undertaker having a memorable entrance, the match itself was one of, if not, the WORST in WWF History. This was certainly not Taker's fault, as he wasn't able to really carry a match due to the limitations of the character.

Gonzalez's "selling" basically consisted of a lot of blinking and pretending to be stunned, all with the grace of a drunken sailor. In the end, the match didn't even have a payoff, as Gonzalez choked out Taker with a rag covered in "chloroform" thus drawing a DQ. Unfortunately though, this match itself had the same effect as the "ether" and put us all out. Absolutely abysmal.

Well that's it. Just be thankful that I reviewed these matches so you wouldn't have to.

S.C.

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