THE ROSS REPORT -- APRIL 4, 2004
Posted by: Krazy Loop on 04/04/2004

Greetings from under the black 200x Resistol hat.

Fans, sometime last night when I was sleeping I experienced a deeply moving and for me extremely rare phenomena: I dreamed that I had a heart to heart talk with my dear departed Grandpappy. It was all the more rare and strange because he died when I was just a little boy. At the very end of my dream, I asked him why he came to me. He told me to remember one thing no matter what happens in my life: Bischoff is an asshole.

Fans, the shit is really flying these days in the good ole' WW"e."

First, let's tackle the "massive layoff" situation we face. As has been reported elsewhere, "sources say" that we are in the midst of a massive layoff. This is a vicious lie spread by my enemies to discredit me. When we examine this situation in detail and we will immediately see that certain factors beyond my control have come into play.

Despite all rumors to the contrary, Ernest Miller could not wrestle, could not sing, and above all could not dance. That was an easy one, especially after we caught him leering at Tori and Sable when he thought Vince wasn't looking. And he thought we didn't notice.

Terri Runnels has unfortunately outlived her usefulness, as if she ever had any in the first place. Spin this one as we may, spinners are out and long & tall is in. Just ask Sable; she can tell you all about it.

We ruined Superstar Sean O'Haire when we paired him with a blowhead last year, and no matter what we might say, "that is the math of it." What a blunderheaded move that was on our part. Fans, can you say "Stupied?"

Zach Gowen caught as much fire for us as a one legged man at as ass kicking contest so he had to go.

We could have found something for Ron Simmons to do but we didn't try hard enough. That is hard to believe considering some of the losers we keep on the payroll.

Did Spanky fire us or was it the other way around?

Goldust never caught on with anyone other than Terri. That one speaks for itself, all things considered.

And finally, we fired at least one guy just to show that we could, so "who better than Kanyon?"

To illustrate what I great guy I really am, along with their pink slips I personally delivered to each of the above former superstars an application for walking vendor jobs at all of our live events selling my JR's World Famous Extra Special Louisiana Tigers Tits & Ass Barbeque Sauce to the crowds. I guaranteed everyone that it will sell better than popcorn and peanuts at our shows. Why, all of our road agents doubled their salaries last year in this way.

Somehow I have thus far escaped the pink slip list---THANK YOU, JESUS!!

Next, I have momentous news. I have entered contract negotiations with the U.S. Department of Transportation to supply my Barbeque Sauce for use on all future road paving projects financed by the government.

Fans, as you well know by now, that stuff is good for everything.

How else do you think Steve Austin gets that lovely shine on his head at every match? And as Steve discovered first hand, the empty bottles are aerodynamically shaped making them excellent projectiles to bounce off your ex-old lady's and future ex-old lady's heads.

Teddy Long swears that a bottle of my Barbeque Sauce taken right before bedtime helps him sleep at night.

Big Show is living proof that it relieves the misery of constipation. There can be no doubt as to that the way his matches have been stinking up arenas across the country for a long time now.

Vince uses it to glue his toupee into place.

Linda "accidentally" spills it on our financial reports right before she files them with the SEC.

HHH recently submitted an affidavit to the FDA that it has aphrodisiac powers. Why else did Stephanie marry him?

It has been reported elsewhere that "The Rock" owns his own name. We mean "The Rock," not Dwayne Johnson. Vince sold it to him. It didn't much matter since the real Rock, The Magnificent Muraco, left town a long time ago and there is no way in hell we could ever use that name again. In spite of this The Rock recently related to the media that there are those still in the WW"e" who were less than thrilled that he failed to mention WrestleMania XX a few days before our premier event took place, and instead plugged his new movie without mentioning us. In addition, the normal contingent of our locker room crybabies pissed and moaned that Dwayne "forgot where he came from." While that may be technically true, everyone on our roster had the chance to connect with the fans every match the same as The Rock did. Most of them failed miserably whereas The Rock did not. That can hardly be held against The Rock but is more accurately chalked up to sour grapes.

If the truth be known, I, JR, made The Rock the great success he is today.

Before his first match I told him to drink a bottle of my Barbeque Sauce. For once someone around here actually took my advice. When he got into the ring, my Barbeque Sauce had the boy talking his ass off, and the rest is history. In keeping with my high office as the head of talent relations I have dutifully told every wrestler in our company that they should also do the same. But do they ever listen to what I have to say?

NOOOOOOOoooooooo.

Fans, as you also recently heard, Ric "Medicare" Flair, along with a couple other wrestlers, was sued for showing his pee pee to a flight stewardess last year. While I can't comment yet in detail about this matter since our legal department is still reviewing the papers, I can tell you this: the lead plaintiff experienced extreme and outrageous conduct and suffered severe emotional distress when she saw with her own eyes exactly how tiny the "Weenie Boy" really is in the swinging gonads department. Among her damages the victim claims she can't stop laughing and has not been able to do so since the incident took place last year.

Lance Storm recently commented that Goldberg should stay lost now that he left the WW"e." Storm is a great talent and skilled wrestler but as my dear departed Grandpappy used to say, he can't draw files with a mouthful of shit. Storm draws even fewer fans to his matches. Lesnar on the other hand put asses in the seats.

Speaking of pink slips and Lesnar again, fans, can you believe that Brock Lesnar and Goldberg had the unmitigated audacity to fire us?

This week I have decided to hold a contest. Go to your local grocery store and purchase a supersize bottle of my JR's World Famous Extra Special Louisiana Tits & Ass Barbeque Sauce. Simply peel off the label and on the back of it you will find an entry form. Write your name and address and tell us the number of times Jerry "The Kink" Lawler has been charged with pedophilia. Send it to the address listed on the form. For bonus chances, also tell us how many times Lawler has been sued. As an alternative, you may tell us whether The Kat was younger when she married Lawler than the child bride of Jerry Lee Lewis when they got hitched. If you are really at a loss here, tell us in 10,000 words or more why Bischoff is an asshole. The winner will receive, what else?? ------ a free case of my Barbeque Sauce. In the event of a tie, there will be a run-off drawing. As always the decision of the judges will be final.

This week's mail bag had some interesting questions. A fan from no less than Stamford, Connecticut writes as follows:

Dear JR: Your boss is a cheap bastard. He wouldn't loan me the money I needed for my lawyers when I was charged with insider trading and lying to federal securities investigators. Obviously, he forgot where he got the cash to buy the WWWF from his old man when he needed it and who bankrolled him during his steroids trial. He still owes me big for decorating his house, teaching him some manners, AND showing him how to wrestle. You can tell him from me that he is all done shopping at Kmart if I have anything to say about it. /signed/ Martha

My response is:

Dear Martha: Ooooooooooh, so that's how it all got started . . . . Well, what can I say?

A fan from Texas writes:

Dear JR: Why don't WW"e" workers have blue cross, life and disability insurance, a pension plan, paid vacations, weekend overtime, and holiday pay? /signed/ Guess Who

Dear Guess Who: Why do you sound remarkably like Bradshaw?

A letter from New York asks:

Dear JR. We often hear that Lawler is from Tennessee but I recently came across an article that says he was born in the Mid-East. Can you shed any light on this? /unsigned/

My response was:

Dear Unsigned: Not many people actually know that Lawler was NOT born in Tennessee. In fact his real name is "Kink Ali Baba Lawler," The Equal of 40 Thieves. This son of a three legged she goat continues to live up to his name. Just ask anyone who worked the old Memphis territory. He keeps rubbing his magic bank account in the hopes that the gold he lost in his last divorce will reappear.

A fan from California was kind enough to send me the following article:

*********

STRANGE SUBSTANCE ON THE SURFACE OF MARS

By ROBERT DAVIS, USA TODAY

(Jan. 7) - As Mars rover Spirit slid to a stop on the Red Planet, it mashed the soil, leaving a mess like nothing seen before.
. . . .

"The soil was stripped up and folded in an interesting way," said Jim Bell, who designed the panoramic camera that Spirit used to photograph the "mud-like" patch. "It has quite alien textures."
. . . .

"It is bizarre," . . . . It's strangely cohesive. It's not like anything I've ever seen before. It's weird stuff."

(T)he patch looked similar to - but not exactly like - what had been termed "duracrust" at the landing site of the 1976 Viking probe.
. . . .

Pressed by reporters to further explain the gunk, which was reshaped by the impact like muck but may be rock hard, the scientists said they preferred not to speculate and would wait for the instruments on Spirit to explain the makeup of the substance.

********

Fans, I don't know about you but I don't need any further confirmation. This is without a doubt proof that my dear departed Grandpappy was the first man on earth to sell barbeque sauce to Martians.

There you have it, another month of backstabbing and whining in our home, the WW"e." We wouldn't have it any other way. And remember, Bischoff is an asshole.

Until next time . . . . LSU, LSU, LSU!!

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