COMMENTARY & TRANSLATION: BRADSHAW FLAPS HIS JIBS
Posted by: Krazy Loop on 05/15/2004

Fans, we at the HTM Website generally like good old boy JBL, alias John Bradshaw Layfield. However, this time he took a swing at the Internet fans which means us. That, plus the fact that the WW”e” is so stale lately, which is in part why he is getting a push at this time, makes JBL a target of opportunity that is waaaaaaaay too good to pass up.

Judge for yourselves.

“The reason my column is later than usual is because I have been so busy trying to get this deal with CNBC worked out. I will now be appearing on CNBC every Wednesday and Friday on “Bullseye” with Dylan Radigan. It airs at 6 p.m. ET. I will also be appearing on many other shows.”

TRANSLATION: As of late here is my situation: I have cowshit between my Texas toes, horseshit between my Texas ears, and so much nonsense falling out of my Texas mouth that the people at CNBC want to rename the show “Bullshit.” Why didn't I think of that?

“I am in the best wrestling shape I have been in in years. If we go a half an hour, I will be ready.”

COMMENTARY: Jesus H!! A half an hour? Is that all you can do? Why don’t you have “Ancient Boy” Ric Flair tell you how many times he and wrestlers like The Sheik, Dick The Bruiser, The Crusher, The Funks, Abdullah The Butcher, Mark Lewin, Harley Race, Ricky Steamboat, and many, many others wrestled in one hour time limit matches that went to draws.

“For those of you fat, out-of-shape Internet wannabes who have never done anything more athletic than play checkers, kiss my ass for doubting me, and realize why you hate me.”

COMMENTARY: Don’t flatter yourself, JBL, you ain’t Terry Gordy or P.S. Michael Hayes.

“I was the guy in school who made you do my homework and locked you in your locker.”

COMMENTARY: No, you were the guy who got a kick in the nutz when you least expected it from the smallest kid in your school when it turned out you fucked with the wrong guy. Your brain might work better these days if you had done your own homework.

“JBL will deliver Sunday and you can “report” whatever you want, but you will also realize how little influence you have, except to your little nerd friends.”

COMMENTARY: Talon, an HTM Website administrator, recently asked the following question: Since they have "so little influence," why do the JBL's of the world complain about Internet fans and commentators? JBL, you need to STFU. You remind us of another whiner who also recently blamed his problems on the Internet: an athletic fatback & ham sandwich cannibal named Percival P. Pringleberry. You would do well to remember that the greatest nerd in creation is Chairman Bill.

“How long has it been since you guys that spend all your time reporting on us have been with a woman other than your mother?”

COMMENTARY: JBL, do you know where YOUR WOMAN is? We know where yo' momma is.

“After all, when I see you in airports hanging out, you are always with guys. You guys don’t have a questionable sexual orientation, do you? Of course, it is 2004, I don’t judge.”

COMMENTARY: No offense taken, JBL. But just remember, we aren't the people who take their marching orders from the likes of Pat Patterson.

"All the talk in the news is about the Iraqi prisoners. Now, I want to make it clear that I don’t condone what they did; we are the good guys and we can’t be acting like that. But please, put it in perspective. These were a few people out of our terrific armed forces. We can and should be extremely proud of our guys over there doing a great job. Our guys over there are heroes."

NO TRANSLATION IS NECESSARY: We agree completely.

COMMENTARY: Bret Hart needs to catch a clue that he and Benoit are not heroes, Canadian or otherwise. They neither save lives nor do they defend basic liberties. They are entertainers.

. . . . .

"I was very disappointed in the Corrie Sanders/Vitali Klitschko boxing match. I thought Sanders was badly out of shape, though he fought very tough. I just think it shows a complete lack of respect for the championship to show up out of shape. I will be in shape when I fight for a championship in the same building this Sunday."

COMMENTARY: JBL, what they do is real and what you do is not. You are not fighting for a championship. You, too, are an entertainer, not a fighter, and not a hero.

"My radio show starts May 22. It will be from 9-11 a.m. ET on Saturday morning. I will have the stations posted soon, hopefully. I will take callers, so if you want to call in because you think I am wrong, or because you agree with me, please do so. We’ll be talking about everything under the sun."

COMMENTARY: OK, you asked for it this time, sodbuster. One of these days The Honky Tonk Man may call in when you least expect it.

"Now, since I have been slow in getting this article out, I have a ton of e-mails to answer."

COMMENTARY: This is a paraphrase of the email we would like see in his column:

'JBL, if you are so smart, why is it that you waste your time doling out "investment advice" and wrestling instead of spending all your time making money for yourself in the market?'

Here is the answer that we will unfortunately never get to read:

'Investment and financial advisors concentrate on trying to convince you that they can predict the future when they cannot and neither can I. The truth is that we are no smarter than the average fans who watch my matches. Fortunately for me, my average fan also thinks I can wrestle.'

"To Tighe from South Carolina: I think the last thing we should cut is our budget to our schools. This is where we build our future, and educated people have an easier time getting jobs. I am a firm believer in our school systems."

TRANSLATION: Damn if it isn't a disgrace that I didn't study harder when I was in school. Had I done so, today I might not have to work for North Carolina trailer trash, and with a child molester, an ex-con, a faggot, assorted drunk drivers, and quickly terminated transient blowheads.

"To David from Ontario: The tax cuts help create wealth and jobs, because the first thing people do with extra money is use services. For example, when things get tight, they cut out their lawn service or maid service; they increase those things when they have extra money. These tax cuts have shown they have greatly helped the economy."

TRANSLATION: We have to do something to keep all those Mexicans like Eddie Guerrero employed. After having traveled across the country, I can affirmatively state from first hand knowledge that laid off auto and manufacturing workers desperately need lawn and maid service. Without lawn and maid service the whole country would be in a depression much the same as the WW"e" is in right now.

COMMENTARY: Hang on you your ass when Professor JBL expounds on "Economics 101." While he basically has it correct, his example is piss poor. It wouldn't surprise us if JBL tells us next time that Chavo Guererro Jr.'s popularity is a function of how many tomatoes he can pick and that the gross revenues of the WW"e" are directly related to the number of times Torrie Wilson shakes her ass in the ring.

. . . . .

"Don’t forget to watch me on CNBC every Wednesday and Friday at 6-7 p.m. ET on “Bullseye.” Most importantly, don’t forget Judgment Day this Sunday on pay-per-view. There will be some ass kicking going on."

TRANSLATION: Don’t forget to watch me on CNBC every Wednesday and Friday at 6-7 p.m. ET on “Bullshit.” Most importantly, don’t forget Judgment Day this Sunday on pay-per-view. There will be some SERIOUS bullshit going on that day.

JBL, as a self appointed investment guru, surely you know the value of sound financial planning. One can never start investing in his or her retirement a minute too soon. As an "Independent Contractor" employed by a man who eventually fires everyone who works for him, you of all people know exactly what we mean. With that in mind we suggest that you sit down and have a serious talk with Ole' JR. "Sources say" there are still a few World Famous Extra Special Tits & Ass Louisiana Tigers Barbeque Sauce franchises left.

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