ROSS REPORT: Flair Discovers Bischoff Is An Asshole
Posted by: Krazy Loop on 07/14/2004

Greetings from under the black 200x resistol hat.

Fans, for these many months that I have not written a Ross Report, and I must say that it is good to be back.

First We will review the news and then Ancient Boy Ric "Medicare" Flair's new book, "To Be The Man, You Have To Write Better Than Foley."

Now let's get on with another ROSS REPORT.

As you probably know by now, sources say that I have been promoted out of the way and that Johnny Ace is now the official WW"e" Vice President of Talent Relations. Congratulations are in order to the man even though I am still waiting for him to confirm what my new job title is. Somehow, "Official WW'e' Office Jobber In Charge of Janitorial Services" is not quite what I had in mind. I must admit that it does sound better than "Chief Janitor In Charge of Toilet Seats." In any event, I have yet again dodged the bullet in the ass and remained out of the unemployment line for the time being.

A couple of pay-per-view shows ago, we had a segment wherein the Undertaker buried Percival Pringleberry alive in concrete. While that is old news by this time, what you didn't know it that I wanted him to be boiled alive in my Ole' JR's World Famous Extra Special Louisiana Tits & Ass Barbeque Sauce. That was the best idea I have had in a long time. However, the more we thought about it, cooler heads had to prevail and at the last minute the substitution was made. Considering that the old porker has been know to squeal like a pig at the internet fans, we did not want any of our more underpaid talent to make any mistakes-----cannibalism is not allowed in the WW"e."

"Legend Killer" Randy Orton was demoted at the Vengeance pay-per-view to jobber status when he lost the Intercontinental Title to Edge. The match was a good one but in all of recorded history there will only be one "Greatest Intercontinental Champion of All Time" and it won't be Randy Orton. Try as he might Orton cannot draw the numbers we need and neither can anyone else on the payroll right now. The sad fact is that the arena for Vengeance was less than half full. I wonder why our resident "Genius," Mr. McMahon, has not been able to fix this. At the time when we needed him most he was in the hospital with an "intestinal blockage." At first I thought of PiperNutz but then I remembered Vince blew him out last year.

Marty Jannetty recently got religion and joined up with Ted DiBiase and the Oh Brothers. Fans, as I see things, it will only be a matter of time before Vince discovers that religion pays much better than wrestling ever will. When that day comes we are doomed.

Matt Hardy recently wrote an article for our website defending his girlfriend, Lita, and the disastrous angle the two of them are in with Kane. When I suggested the storyline be changed slightly to have Lita give birth live in middle of the ring to a bottle of my Ole' JR's World Famous Extra Special Louisiana Tits & Ass Barbeque Sauce at the next pay-per-view, Matt had the temerity to question my judgment. In fact he almost had the temerity to knock me on my ass. I defended myself by reminding him that Mae Young actually gave birth to a hand a few years ago and that I also told him not to blame me for his girlfriend's predicament. After all, Lita isn't even blonde.

It has also been reported elsewhere that some of our WW"e" Divas are less than thrilled by the idea that our newest Diva contest winner will get a $250,000 salary, which is more than two times what we are paying others. Fans, what can I say? The late British comedian Benny Hill, while leering at his hired help, used to remark that what the world needs are "new faces." I could not agree more.

Fans, have any of you read the new book by Ancient Boy Ric "Medicare" Flair yet? While I can't say for certain, it certainly looks like Flair wrote it himself, with editorial help of course as could be expected. At least he didn't try to pass himself off as literate when he isn't. Flair appears to be very literate and his book is quite readable. While I am happy that I have had the opportunity to read his story, I cannot help but wonder how different it may have been had it not been written now, but rather after Flair leaves the WW"e" for the last time.

Flair now and then confuses the forest with the trees. For example he claims that he never used drugs. Some pages later he admits to using steroids at various times, not for looks but to enhance his performance. He also labors under the mistaken notion that alcohol is not a drug when in fact it is. He readily acknowledges drinking alcohol in all forms in great quantities every time it was in sight. He seemed proud of the fact that he could drink his friends under the table while being totally oblivious to the long term effects.

Flair did reveal some notable points.

1. Flair was born in Tennessee and adopted through an illegal adoption mechanism designed to separate poor parents from their children for the profiteering of the adoption agency. The scam was run in Memphis. For a moment there I had to wonder if Ole' Kink might be Flair's real daddy and just who Grand Master Sexay really belongs to.

2. In Montreal, Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart, Vince McMahon did not. The truth is closer to being that Bret Hart, who The Ancient Boy states repeatedly with some justification was not a great wrestler, bent over AND THEN Vince screwed him. Flair is right that Bret Hart may have thought everyone else's matches were works but he believed his own were real.

3. Bret Hart's matches all had the same finishes. Figure Four, anyone?
Chop, chop . . . .

4. Viagra Man Randy Savage was not a great wrestler. Great wrestlers sell tickets. Some pages later Flair quoted Eric Bischoff in WCW as stating that Savage sold tickets.

5. This next part gets a little complicated.

Flair wrote that Viagra Man was one of the most insecure people he ever met. Flair stated that Elizabeth left Viagra Man after she went to a club with Hogan's wife. Flair ignored the rumor that the time Viagra Man jailed Liz in his locker while he had a match may have had something to do with it as well. Nonetheless, Flair admitted to contracting "woman's disease," i.e., low self-esteem and insecurity, at the hands of Bischoff. Flair then asked where Hogan, The Honky Tonk Man, and host of other former WWF and then current WW"e" wrestlers, would be without Vince
McMahon. Thereafter, Flair flatly stated in black and white that Vince McMahon saved him and gave him back his self-respect. According to Flair himself, where would he be without Vince McMahon? At the same time, fans, I, Ole' JR, can unequivocally state that Vince McMahon may be many things but a humanitarian isn't one of them. Flair also failed to ask where Vince was after The Honky Tonk Man and others left for WCW. Flair did not notice that he answered his own question when he pointed out that WCW beat the WW"e" for 85 straight weeks in the ratings after that happened. In The HTM's case, Flair also did not notice that prior to HTM's WWF days The Blonde Bombers and Tupelo Concession Stand matches were tearing up the South.

6. PiperNutz was a huge blowhead and most of the Von Erichs were drug addicts. Bill Watts was a big weenie. Sid Eudy was actually Sid "Useless." Arn Anderson drank thirty beers, which Flair bought for him, in one sitting. Lex Lugar could not wrestle. Jim Herd was an idiot. Ricky Steamboat was a great wrestler, as are The Rock and Steve Austin. Harley Race was the toughest man alive. Vince Russo thought he was a wrestler instead of a writer. While DDP was at WCW he blasted Vince but sucked ass after Vince bought WCW.

7. Hogan hosed Ted Turner as did many others, was a manipulator, whipped Flair's son, David, in the ring with a belt far beyond what was called for in the match, and was only in it for the money. Brutus Beefcake was a brain dead moron and a sop for Hogan. Nine years after the fact, Hogan was still smoked about his loss to The Ultimate Warrior.

8. Flair wasn't exactly careful with his money and spent more than he made. During the course of his career he had to rely on others to pay large tax bills for him twice and spent one million dollars on IRS penalties and interest. He fired accountants when they told him anything he did not want to hear. Nor was he careful with his body and rest; he regularly burned the candle at both ends and in the middle at the same time. In an exceedingly perverse way of admiration, others including Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, who described Flair's daily living habits, stated that they could not keep up. Slow suicide is never worthy of admiration.

9. Flair neglected his family to the point that his first wife divorced him. He acknowledges that he did not grow up until he returned to the WW"e" after WCW collapsed. It took him that long to learn that his family, including the first one, should have come first all along. This is despite the fact that his adoptive parents were first class educated people, raised him properly, and throughout his life treated him very well.

Why do these things not amaze me?

The biggest shocker in the book was reading about how and when The Ancient Boy discovered that Bischoff is an Asshole. In fact, Flair explained his amazing discovery over nearly one hundred pages of his book. Bischoff marginalized him, played games with his contracts, put him into ridiculous angles and impossible situations, insulted him, refused to acknowledge that he was and had been a huge draw for years at the top of his game, and essentially destroyed WCW by his overall lack of knowledge and allowing the inmates to run the asylum. Fortunately for everyone at the WW"e" Bischoff has no management role whatsoever and is just another performer.

After Flair went to the WW"e" and found Bischoff there as well, and after all that Bischoff had done to him at WCW, Flair went after him. According to Flair, he nearly stuck one of his fingers into one Bischoff's eyes. Sgt. Slaughter was there and broke things up. Somehow I doubted that the old Sarge could have stopped Flair had he been serious about flogging Bischoff which in turn convinces me that he was not.

Flair should have done some REAL damage to Bischoff and hit him with his Social Security card.

Sadly, Flair admitted damaging his heart by long term chronic drinking. The sad part is not that he admitted it but rather that an intelligent man like he is did that to himself. His life will most likely be shortened because of it.

Flair's book is easy to follow and worth reading.

Fans, until next time, I hope that helps explain exactly why Bischoff is an asshole.

LSU, LSU, LSU.

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