THE CHUMP'S REPORT: JBL TRANSLATED
Posted by: Krazy Loop on 07/24/2004

"Disclaimer: These views are those of John Bradshaw Layfield, and not necessarily those of World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc."

DISCLAIMER: Fans, the views expressed herein are solely those of Krazy Loop, who right now is sincerely thankful that he is out of El-Kabonging range as he writes this COMMENTARY / TRANSLATION, especially since he knows full well that The HTM and JBL are friends. Krazy Loop also knows that The HTM is bigger than he is, not by much, but just enough to make a difference. Make no mistake. We at The HTM Website truly love JBL, which is a lot more than we can say for PiperNutz. However, when JBL ventures into our world of Internet Land, he makes himself fair game like everyone else.

"I got my first big break in Japan when I first started wrestling. To return to Japan with WWE is a huge thrill for me, especially to be able to wrestle Eddie and Undertaker in the very famous Budokan.

"It's hard to believe the Japanese fans. When I first started there, they were very different."

TRANSLATION: Damn, those Japanese are a lot smaller than Mexicans, aren't they?

"They didn't react like American fans, they were very respectful during the match, and they sat and watched. It was a little unnerving wrestling there because you didn't get immediate eaction."

TRANSLATION: While I am still not sure whether I was stinking up the place, what was really unnerving was when Pat Patterson told me to try a new move called the Nagasaki Nuclear Power Bomb with the special Enola Gay delivery.

"Japanese fans are still very respectful, but now they are more like American fans they see on TV. They bring signs, and react to every move."

TRANSLATION: Their signs say: "JBL, YOU SUCK," and when my matches start they quickly react by moving to the exits.

"It was strange seeing the evolution of the fans there. It was also great to see the response for guys like RVD, the Dudleys, and Eddie who had wrestled over there many years. Japanese fans have a great admiration for hard work."

TRANSLATION: Since when are my matches hard work? I usually beat up midgets and people half my size.

"I am glad to have survived the cage match. Seeing Eddie come down from such a height to know that he is going to land on me was a little nerve wracking. Also, the fact that I hate heights didn't help much either. The crowd in Providence, the home of the Friendly Tap, was awesome."

COMMENTARY: Fans, believe it or not, according to Federal Government health statistics, Rhode Island has the highest incidence of crabs per 100,000 citizens of any of the fifty states. I don't know about you, but that isn't exactly awesome in my book. JBL, if you have been sort of itchy lately that may help explain why.

"I was very pleased with the match, even more pleased that I am still champion."

TRANSLATION: This means that I still have a job. Thank you, Jesus!!!!!!

"This match was very important to me, because this was my first really highly watched match. The PPVs were extremely important as well, but I knew this audience, since it was on regular TV, would be a big number."

TRANSLATION: You aren't kidding that the match was very important to me because we have been only half selling even our best shows these days.

"How come the guy that gets landed on doesn't get as much attention? Actually, Eddie does deserve the attention, because I would have passed out if I had tried to stand up on the cage."

TRANSLATION: It sure helped that at least one guy in the ring that day knew how to wrestle.

"It's great to be on track for my quest to be the most popular WWE Champion of all time. It's going to be great to hear the fans chanting J-B-L because they love me. I am really a great American."

COMMENTARY: Most popular champion of all time? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Just remember, JBL, only your momma loves you and she could be jiving, too. John Wayne, The HTM, and Terry Bollea you ain't.

"Why put Martha Stewart in jail?"

COMMENTARY: 1. Because she is uppity. 2. Because she is a bitch. 3. Because we can. 4. Because the toilets at her local Federal Penetentiary need to be properly scrubbed for a change. 5. Because she is one of the evil rich who the Democrats like so much to tax. 6. Because she is the only person JBL can out-wrestle every match. 7. Because she lives down the street from Vince McMahon and has more money than he does. 8. Because if we flipped her inside out we would get Eric Bischoff. 9. Because she gave a self-serving interview to Barbara Walters. 10. Because she is friends with Rosie O'Donnell. 11. Because she lied to Federal investigators and thereby violated the law.

"Now to several people who thought I was hypocritical in my criticism of Michael Moore, yet my support of free speech."

COMMENTARY: Is this a sentence or did we miss something?

"My problem with Moore is not the right he has for free speech, it is the fact that he talks so badly about America every where he goes."

COMMENTARY: The main idea behind free speech is being able to espouse unpopular or even nonsensical views. The corollary is being able to hold those views up to the light of day and exposing them for what they are, sort of like we are doing to JBL right now.

"Moore has said several times how dumb Americans are and how much better other countries are, my whole point is not that he has the right to say these things, my point is I don't like him personally, I think he is a jackass because what he is doing is not for the betterment of the country that provides him his living. I have no problem with people that disagree with me, as long as when they speak out on a national platform they do it because they want our country to be better, I don't think Moore fits into that."

COMMENTARY: JBL, while we agree with you about Michael Moore, you had better be careful with that jackass comment. The number of fools who paid to see Moore's political non-documentorial statement proved him partially correct.

"To Justin from Boston who said that Moore loved America and claimed I didn?t read his book, you are wrong. I did read his book and I challenge you to show me where he says he loves America. Page 67 and 68 of his latest book is where he claims France is better than us and that is why we are jealous, and he recently stated in an interview in England that Americans were the dumbest people on the planet."

COMMENTARY: There is nothing like playing to your audience, is there, JBL? By the way, your grammar is also helping Moore prove his point.

"Also, earnings are the best they have been in 20 years. If that isn't roaring what is."

COMMENTARY: This earnings statement is sort of dangling out there in the ethers . . . .

"If you are going to accuse me of being wrong (which I have no doubt I can and will be sometimes, . . ."

COMMENTARY: Damn, an amazing admission from a Texican.

". . . and I try to correct it when I am, thanks to people that read the column and write in) . . ."

COMMENTARY: Why thank you, JBL. You sir, are a scholar and a gentleman, (and there are so very few of us left these days).

" . . . at least have facts."

COMMENTARY: I am a real champion and a financial genius. Those are the facts, Yep, they are.

"You have nothing but erroneous opinions backed up with nothing."

TRANSLATION: Just like my matches and finishing moves? Come to think about it, my brand new ex-wife said the same thing to me all the time, in AND out of the bedroom.

"The Saudi Government, as reported by Moore has not given over a billion dollars to Bush family businesses. They gave a billion dollars to a Carlyle group subsidiary. Bush Sr. is now on the board, however, they gave that money before Bush was on the board and the company was spun off before Bush got on the board. Moore and you are wrong about this, and this has been highly documented by most news organizations. I don?t get mad at Moore for free speech, but rather his reckless disregard for the truth."

TRANSLATION: Reckless disregard for the truth? Do I really work for the WW"e" or am I dreaming?

"You also say Bush is a religious fanatic just the same as the terrorists, I won't even bother telling you how inappropriate that statement is, I don't think it would do any good. Please report back to earth, your fairy tale world has too many inaccuracies in it."

TRANSLATION: Yep, I guess I do think it would do some good. Where I work we bury people alive and have sex with the dead. One of these days we may surprise you all and reverse the pattern. In case you haven't noticed lately, we are also literary giants. Just ask any WW"e" author.

"To John Paul, come on, my comments aren't all garbage, are they?"

COMMENTARY: JBL, show some respect and watch your mouth when you talk to the Pope, boy.

"I do talk some wrestling. I try to be independent, yet I realize I lean to the right, yet I always try to look at both sides of the issue. I realize that just because people disagree with me doesn't mean they are neither bad, nor un-American. It also doesn't mean they are wrong, I might be."

COMMENTARY: NAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. JBL wrong? That is preposterous AND impossible.

"I got several e-mails from German fans."

TRANSLATION: Vincent Kennedy McMahon Ist Der Sieg!!!!!

"Germany is one of my favorite countries, . . ."

TRANSLATION: Well, it was until I shot my mouth off. But I tried to make amends. I even learned all the words to the Horst Wessel song.

" . . . I love the food."

TRANSLATION: And when I go to Mexico, believe me, Mexico will be one of my favorite countries as well. I also promise that I will love the food and I will drink the water. That is the least I can do after the way I have baited the Mexican fans as a part of my gimmick for these past many months, and for the insult to Hispanic fans worldwide for having been given the WW"e" Heavyweight Belt despite "defeating" an Hispanic guy half my size with ten times my talent.

"These e-mails were all in support of me, thank you."

TRANSLATION: Thanks, Mom & Dad. I love you, too.

"Those of you that wrote in negative, need to get a clue."

TRANSLATION: Maybe I should get a clue and read my own previous comments about people disagreeing with me being neither bad nor un-American, and that I just might be wrong. DUH??

"Should I apologize for what happened to Eddie's mother also? Or, should Arnold apologize for shooting up a police station in Terminator? If you say that is different, then you probably shouldn't be watching adult television."

COMMENTARY: Adult television? Ooooooooooooh, so that's what it is. And all this time we thought we were watching wholesome, family sports entertainment. That has to be right because Vince said so.

"To the many e-mails I got about discussing the religious vote and George Bush, I do believe Bush is sincere in his beliefs, I also believe though that he and Kerry are trying very hard to appeal to the huge group of Americans that are religious. Over 70 percent of Americans say religion is important in picking a leader.

"To those out there that claim Bush hasn't attended any soldiers' funerals, I have to tell you that when I was visiting Walter Reed Hospital in DC to visit our soldiers not too long ago, they told me of the story about a soldier I was about to visit. I had to put on special clothes, gloves and a mask because he was highly contagious. Bush had been there the day before and had leaned over without a mask and kissed the guy on the forehead, and no media was there to report it, it was just a guy having compassion for another human being.

"So yes, I believe Bush is very sincere in his beliefs, even those who attack his policies concede that point."

NO TRANSLATION IS NECESSARY. Politics and religion are personal matters, wrestling is not.

"To JJ. I agree it is bad that so few Americans turn out to vote, but I disagree that Americans are not smart, nor hard workers. I think the fact that they are is why this country is so great."

TRANSLATION: As always the proof is in the pudding. That Americans are smart is illustrated by fan attendance at our live WW"e" events steadily dropping off the charts. They stopped throwing away their hard earned money on our garbage. Only in America is this possible.

"From Niall. You claim that the beheadings were a CIA set up and that they were staged with already dead people. Please come back to earth with Justin, this is crazy conspiracy theory that does a disservice to the deaths of these people."

COMMENTARY: EARTH TO JBL, EARTH TO JBL, COME IN JBL. Do you remember who employs you?

"To Patrick from Albuqeurque. Good luck in medical school, I think the videos and threats from the terrorists are awful. We can't give in to these people, you punch a bully in the nose, you never run, it just makes it worse."

TRANSLATION: Good for you, Patrick. Show more sense than I did and stay in school. The way you handle a bully is you grab him up and chokeslam his sorry ass like the Undertaker did to me the other evening.

"How about Arnold's latest statements about Girlie men, and the backlash he has received. I say to those he was talking about, answer his criticism and quit calling him a homophobe (understand this was a SNL skit that was a parody of him), I guess he was right-you are girlie men."

TRANSLATION: Working here in the WW"e" with the likes of Pat Patterson and The Kink makes me somwehat of an expert on the subject of "girlie-men," now doesn't it?

"To our soldiers in the Middle East, I know the summer is coming up and the weather is unbearable, remember how grateful America is over there and the fact that you are making us safe for generations to come. You guys are doing a great job. Thanks."

NO TRANSLATION IS NECESSARY; We agree completely.

"Thanks to all of you that read my column and to those that listen to my radio show. You can listen to it over the Web if you don't have it in your area. It is Saturdays from 9-11a.m. ET, and it is available on Talk Radio Network at www.talkradionetwork.com."

TRANSLATION: To all my fans: I know my shit is thin, but please don't tell anyone.

"Until next time, this was the second edition of the 'Champion's Report.' To all of you out there that love me and my great work rate, thank you."

TRANSLATION: Deep down I know that if I had any balls at all I would be doing a shoot interview with The Honky Tonk Man instead of writing "The Chump's Report" on www.wwe.com. Being the low man on the totem pole I got stuck with this job after Ole' JR stopped writing Ross Reports.

COMMENTARY: Fans, we never thought we would live to see this day. "My great work rate?" JBL, you must be Ancient Boy Ric "Medicare" Flair and "The Real Canadian Hero," Bret Hart, rolled into one. HMMMM. Let me guess . . . . your two dads?

***

"Got a question for JBL? Ask him about stocks & finances, wrestling or whatever you'd like! He'll answer the best questions in his column. E-mail bradshaw@wwe.com"

TRANSLATION & COMMENTARY: Got a question for JBL? Don't ask him, ask The HTM Website staff. We'll tell you the truth just like always---whether anyone, including JBL, likes it or not. krazyloop@thehonkytonkman.com

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