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More Warrior... And Wrestling's Most Celebrated Mustaches!
Posted by:
Sean Carless on 09/01/2004
It's been a while since I posted anything here, but I'm back, baby. Back like a rash you can't get rid of, even with copious amounts of lotion.
Anyway, I thought I'd like to take a brief look and throw my two cents in on the Warrior eBay hoopla, before getting to the meat and potatoes: WRESTLING'S MOST CELBRATED MUSTACHES!
But first, Warrior-Man. Because after all, anyone who knows me knows that I've been feuding with Warrior for years.....he just doesn't know it yet. Ya, that's my story....
Destrucity For Sale
There's really not too much I can add that Krazy Loop hasn't already said, but I'd be remiss if I didn't throw my hat in the ring.
As you all already know, Warrior had put up an auction for what he described as a one-of-a-kind (blue) belt for the outrageous sum of $23,500... or 300 million Canadian....
You know, for that much money, Warrior better deliver said belt himself and stick around to do a few chores, too. Because unless this "one of a kind belt" is the secret cure for cancer, I doubt anyone would be shelling out that type of coin.
Anyway, you know, just when I thought Warrior could not sink to any lower depths, he goes ahead and proves me wrong.
Gotta love Warrior though, and his inflated value of self-worth. Next thing you know, he’ll be auctioning off the baseball bat he used to swat illegal immigrants back over the border.
Anyway, for those of you not quite convinced of its authenticity, Warrior DOES give his own personal guarantee:
”What else needs to be said? It's real. It's genuine. It's true. I own it. I am Warrior. The Creator, Owner and Performer of The Ultimate Warrior, former WWF Heavyweight Champion.
Ultimate Warrior was the only talent who wore colored WWF Heavyweight Championship belts. Period.
Ultimate Warrior was the only one to were a blue WWF Heavyweight Championship belt. Period.”
Wow, He SAYS it’s real, so it must be! What court in the land wouldn’t take that as gospel? You know, some people might want a legal guarantee, but when a guy who LEGALLY CHANGED HIS FUCKING NAME TO WARRIOR Guaran-damn-tees that’s it’s the "real deal", who wouldn’t take that at face value?
Warrior goes on to say: There is no other belt like this ONE in THE WHOLE WORLD. And he’s right... if you discount all the other colored belts he wore during his Title reign. And I guess if you ignore the other colored belts, HE IS TELLING YOU THE TRUTH WHEN HE SAYS...THERE IS NO OTHER BELT LIKE THIS IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!!! Except those that are exactly like it, but we’re not talking about those….
But…if this is still not good enough for you, Warrior chimes in with this: “You get all the verification upfront that you need and as long as I am alive, I will be gladly available to verify its authenticity.” See? Warrior will personally verify it’s authenticity FOR YOU. So don’t fret, next time someone says “Warrior never really owned that!”, all you have to do is place a call to parts unknown…or better yet, flash the Warrior-Symbol from WCW into the night sky, and Warrior will run from his home in Phoenix to your house, to yes, VERIFY THAT THIS SUPER UNIQUE COLORED BELT THAT NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER WORN (ESPECIALLY NOT SGT. SLAUGHTER) IS THE REAL DEAL!!!! WARRIAH!
Who Was That Mustached Man?
You know, you can’t go anywhere these days without someone saying "Wrestling used to better back when" And often, I tend to agree. But likely not for the same reasons as you. And while some may cite better psychology, better developed rivalries, or even better storylines as their reasons for this belief, I counter with this:
MUSTACHES!
Yes, that’s right. What wrestling is missing, and would NO DOUBT bring the sport back to the forefront of pop culture, is the beloved, yet elusive mustache of the bygone golden-age of wrestling!
The fact is, today, Mustaches are not as plentiful as they once were, with often the only faces adorned with this timeless badge of honor being Arabs, and of course sleazy Quebecers.
But, there was a time when the mustache was a celebrated icon, to be cherished and appreciated with the same reverence we bestow upon the greatest of heroes. Yes, my friends, the wrestling mustache was a sight to behold, and thanks to me, we will now take time to bask in the awesomeness of this celebrated hairy relic of a simpler time.
Wrestling’s Most Prolific Mustaches :
 5. Dan "The Beast" Severn; When talks of all time great mustaches arise (and they do happen, damn it!) Severn’s name always springs to mind. Severn is probably best known for his success in the UFC’s octagon, but it’s his impeccably groomed stache that has brought him most fame and fortune. The irony though is the man who is labeled the "Beast" actually looks a lot more like an air conditioner repairman than a practitioner of the deadly arts of underground shoot-fighting. But looks can be deceiving. You see, a sinister smile of sadism is hidden under that furry flap just waiting to break your arm without mercy! With that said, one can definitely file Dan's celebrated mustache under "most feared" in the business.
 4.Hulk Hogan; The Hulkster is one of wrestling’s last survivors of the mustache genocide that happened in the latter 1980’s. Hulk’s mustache in question started off as a simple radiated yellow strip above the mouth of the stark raving Hulkster, but sometime in 2002, it took on epic proportions. Hulk’s mustache at this point was only rivaled by that of Quaker-oats spokesperson and recipient of age-defying cocoon regeneration: Wilford Brimley, for sheer walrusness. Sadly though, Hulk’s mustache, much like the dreaded flesh-eating bacteria, eventually consumed his entire face, killing him. He was 50.
 3. Magnum T.A.; Magnum was a huge star in the NWA in the mid-1980’s, and named after fellow mustachio Tom Selleck and his Magnum P.I. character. The young Terry Allen bore a slight resemblance to the handsome TV star and thus a character was born (although the urge to saddle him with an ambiguously gay British sidekick thankfully never transpired.)
Magnum had the world at his feet in 1986, as he was being groomed for Championship glory when his career (and almost his life) was unceremoniously cut short when he drove his car into a utility poll. What is not known, however, is that it was the sheer sponginess of Magnum’s beloved mustache that actually saved his life! Cushioning the blow by acting as an air-bag, and thus keeping the young Terry Allen from suffering any permanent neck and brain-damage. Now that’s a mustache!
2. Big Bully Busick; Bully’s mustache is the mustache of legend, having first been seen in the 1860’s clubbing able bodied Irishmen as they got off the boat in New York harbor, then forcing them to work in the docks. It later attached itself to the face of Nick Busick in 1991 during a brief stint in the WWF, and much like the alien "host" in the movie of the same name, it proceeded to lay eggs in the Bully’s stomach, that eventually hatched, burst through his chest, and killed more than 2/3’s of the locker room. WWF has never spoke of it since.
 1. Scott Hall. Today Hall is best known as one of the founders of the nWo and a guy who’ll have no qualms about tackling your grandmother into the bushes depending on how much he had to drink that night. However, back during his formative years, the future Razor Ramon wore a mustache that was ENVIED by all those around him. In fact when historians speak of the great mustaches of the twentieth century, the consensus is usually his.
Hall possessed a push-broom that would make any sleazy hustler envious. In fact, with his feathered "halfro" and patented pussy tickler, Hall looked like he would be a helluva a lot more comfortable making swanky adult features, than applying variations of the abdominal stretch in the cold arenas of northern Minnesota.
Unfortunately though, in late 1990, Hall shaved off his bountiful mustache for good. And sadly, without ten pounds of well placed hair there to act as a sponge and absorb 90% of the contents of the bottle, Hall became an alcoholic.
So in closing, I don't think I'm alone when I say: "BRING BACK MUSTACHES!!!"..Or not. I don't really care.
Coming soon: Mullets!
I'm Sean;
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